小小节制好处多The benefits of selfcontrol

Written by Bill Strom


My wife is the study of human behavior □. A few years ago, she was once the object of our three sons, did a little experiment.

She is 7 years old, respectively, 6-year-old and 4-year-old Taylor, Clark and Eric said: “You can choose: either to eat right away, only to have a marshmallow; either wait 15 minutes, you can eat two . pieces, “Taylor put his marshmallow stay on the table, start playing some toys next; Clark picked cotton candy tucked into his house □, make yourself do not see; Eric will start playing his own that pieces of cotton candy.

40 years ago, a psychologist at Stanford University, has done a similar experiment, the object is the four-year-old children. After telling the kids “Conditions” he walked out of the room. Those successful child is playing, singing or his eyes, etc. distract yourself attention and reached the goal. Fall into the temptation of marshmallow kids, after the experimenter left the room, with the way he thinks is right to deal with temptation.
My wife and researchers who really want to know is that these young children can not comprehend the delay to meet, that is, to enjoy the future □ more benefits, rather than rush to get immediate satisfaction.

The delay can be achieved to meet the character is moderation. Control means not doing what they want most , but to do for themselves and others the most beneficial . In other words, is the ability to control, such as:

Before opening first thought (not their heads out of say what)

Manage their emotions (let emotions about yourself)

Restraint negative impulse (do not take a negative line □)

First thought, re-expression

My wife is very happy to see that our three sons, can do to control their own 15 minutes, then get two marshmallows. But that does not mean that now they will always choose moderation. When three children and our parents want to share everything happened during the day, my family’s dinner speech is simply to become a wrestling match.

Unfortunately, our family of boys (me and my wife, three children and 4-to-1) is too consistent with the conclusions of the research institute, which is generally more men than women, easy to interrupt during the dialogue, interrupting others, Want to □ dialogue leader. We have lost the art of interlocutors who focus on this dialogue, that we need quiet, listen, concentrate on their on the topic, rather than our own. Temperance people can do so, but the lack of control of people are eager to express their views.

Taylor learning very quickly on this point. One day he came home from school, hands on which is written: “stop, think, speak,” these words. He explained: “This is to remind myself I found myself saying stupid words are coming out of their own heads □ first thought I told myself that I need to change..!”

Will surpass mood

A few years ago I consulted 70 couples, so that they use this simple test table below, you control aspects and assess their spouse, if you do this little test, the results will happen?

My husband / wife :

Lack of control □□ 1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6 □ 7 □ □ very moderate
reaction is difficult to speculate □ 1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6 □ 7 □ □ reaction can be expected to
line the impulse often regret □ □ 1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6 □ 7 □ □ cautious line will not regret
random tantrums □□ 1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6 □ 7 □ not arbitrarily throw a tantrum

□ I recognize myself :

Lack of self □□□ 1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6 □ 7 □□ very moderate
reaction is difficult to speculate □ 1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6 □ 7 □ reaction can be expected to
line the impulse often regret □ □ 1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6 □ 7 □ □ cautious line will not regret
random tantrums □□ 1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6 □ 7 □ not arbitrarily throw a tantrum

When we arbitrarily throw a tantrum, is likely to be our “tank shortage” of. Normal, our response is perhaps to be expected, prudent, sober, but when our energy levels drop, we respond to others, there will be owed. When people are tired, they can more easily line □ impulse.

To cope with negative conflicts 3 ways

In the case of conflict, if your first reaction is to want to scream or curse □ attacks, these ways is to have prepared for you. Ease of impulsive people respond emotionally to others, they paid little attention to immediate action will have a negative long-term impact or would undermine their relationship with the people. These methods require people to practice with great willpower, they are able to help people change their ways.

1. Pause 2 seconds . Wait a minute, think about it, give yourself two seconds on the reaction conditions, do reply.

2. 10 minutes’ break out “ . Moms deal with children, the use of “break out” approach should be a veteran. Some therapists found that the same techniques are also applicable to deal with adults.

3. The entire half-day off . Good clean up their own ideas, think about the other party will be how to think, and then return to ready for dialogue.

You can rely on outside forces find themselves

Find the strength to control, □ it seems to do a lot of things. But we do not have to face them alone. In the course of personal research, I found that people tend to moderation and with equal force people to get married because couples would rub each other. When the party down, the other side is facing up hope.

I also find strength in God’s grace. Grace is no measure of my own, but God has given me the OK. I have this idea is not only to study the piles have found that those who exercise faith determined than can benefit individuals, communities, and enjoy physical grasp. For example, faith-filled people willing to experience more interpersonal relationships, the best place to think of others, and have more fun, life is met, than reject God and other people richer sense of morality.

Saint Paul will control one of the fruits of human life devout knot column □, he wrote: “The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control so thing, there is no law. ”

□ I think that we are subject to the narrow thinking, □ more control is not to do this or do that, it seems not binge eating chocolate (maybe marshmallows), or may not speeding on the highway. We ignore the fact that subtle, such as we have in every speech or actions are modest, although these are very small line □, but the quality of our lives architecture. Choose not Haizui, or do not open too much of a joke, and choose carefully listening, caring, will a little bit, step by step to improve our family relationships. Benefits little restraint, especially in the family □.


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  • Serena Wang 蔡佩芬 said: 親愛的Anne 感謝你的信任,從你的提問我可以感受到你很關心你的孩子,也能夠體會你的無奈,請問你有帶他去看過心理醫... Read More »
  • Anne said: 你好,我孩子今年20岁,他有忧郁症了,他不想去读书也不想找朋友,也不要看心理医生,也不出门,每天都在房里。他自己也... Read More »
  • Serena Wang 蔡佩芬 said: 非常感謝你的提醒,我們會馬上改善。以馬內利... Read More »